At the start of this year, I was in Brazil spending three months with my family. I had left the job I’d had for the past seven years behind and still didn’t have a clear picture of what was next for me. I needed to create the space and prioritise the time to look down the abyss and wait for the fog to lift.
It worked out.
The idea of resuming my blog and coming back to my camera perfectly married with my intentions to create a life I would be proud of living. I was pursuing a challenge big enough to force me into growth – it was exactly what I needed!
And when you are in the place you once craved so much – living all the doubt, the uncertainty, the uneasy steps, cringe moments, blinded decisions and taking bold steps – you are moved by a feeling of awe-tinged fear the whole time. This became my baseline emotion this year as I had to step out of my habitual ground and deal with a lot of unknowns.
I’ve come to realise just how much of an understatement it is to say that navigating uncertainty isn’t easy. Of course, if we dissect it we see that our whole life is actually very unpredictable, but it is different from deliberately stepping into the kind of unsettling conditions that expose how fragile our sense of control really is.
And I’m sure some anti-fragile people out there may thrive on uncertainty, but for a person like me – who needs routine, rhythm, familiarity and habits to thrive – facing the void of not knowing and figuring out as you go is the ultimate level of metamorphosis.
This whole thing is paradoxical though – because at the same time I thrive in routine and familiarity, I also need some kind of constant novelty, excitement and tension to thrive in the sameness of daily chores. And I think my desire to put myself into a shell came from the imbalance of these polarities.
Other thing that was significant was this year has pushed me to put in practice the principles I knew, but have never lived. I met new parts of myself that emerged and others that took more shape – sometimes felt like a sweet surprise, sometimes like a total regression. Found myself in a vortex inside a skyrocket. I know it’s something that started to form this year and will carry on for – who knows – how long more.
When I made my decision I never expected steadiness – at least for a good while. Particularly because learning how to deal with ongoing adjustments is critical to keep walking the growth’s path – but it always easier thought and said than… done. Leaving behind the safety of feeling in command and believing you have it all worked out is, in itself, a remarkable act.
The beauty of all this is that I appreciate so much the moment I am in now. I am having total freedom to create and express myself and this feels truly special. Those first months when you start anything new is hard because of the unknowns but also so free to expand and experiment as you don’t have the pressure of expectations over how you do it. It’s the moment you realise you are doing things for the pure pleasure of being alive.
My years of quieting down my inner voice and ignoring my desires are slowly fading away. After dreading so many fake scenarios I turned into one more living example that things always find a way to work out.
So if you find yourself in limbo, take your time. Don’t force clarity. And when your decision finally comes, I promise you this: you won’t look back. Things will fall into place in ways you never imagined.
With love,
