Two weeks ago I went for a photo shoot with a friend on a wild beach in the cold, wind and very early hours. I woke up at half past four. It was a sudden urge to do something creative. Just before we arrived, we hit rain on the road, so my friend looked at me and said in surprise that the rain hadn't been predicted in the weather forecast. I said it didn't matter, it was going to be in the rain anyway. I was so keen to go out that there was nothing that could change my plans.
I didn't plan much before I went. I knew it was going to be windy as it always is, but I had a vague idea of what I wanted, such as playing with a scarf in the wind, but not much more than that. That's because I wanted to see the light provided by the sunrise that morning to determine how the rehearsal would go. Everything was improvised. The sunrise was very shy, it was quite cloudy, and perfect for capturing that feeling.
When I'm alone I let go, I'm whole, I play, I free myself and I feel. There's no shame, judgment, criticism or expectations. If it had been me a while ago going with someone for this photo shoot I would probably have held back a little. Not this time. I was so inspired and determined that the mere presence of my friend didn't intimidate me. Even the cold and wind didn't bother me.
I was very happy with the result of the photos, it was above my expectations. I was expecting to come out with no more than three good photos and I ended up with 19 edited photos out of a total of 100 or so. I think I managed to capture the emotion of starting a new cycle. Of expressing myself again and getting to know myself without intentions and expectations. Today I understand. This is where my freedom to be lives. The home of my essence.
In the end, I've been transforming myself into my old self. Rediscovering my origins and gradually returning to the home I abandoned for a while. I'm not one for dwelling on the past, at least the past I can remember, but if one word could describe my whole being it would be 'nostalgia'. I feel a constant sense of nostalgia for I don't know what. Is it something I experienced so perfectly that it can never be experienced again?
Perhaps there are no words to accurately describe this feeling, perhaps one day they will come, but not for now. For now I leave my reflection on the camera. And I write what little I know.
With love,
Cha