This wasn't the text I wanted to write... but maybe it's what I needed.
Let me tell you where this idea came from.
Ever since I launched the blog, I set myself the goal of publishing two posts a week. But, as we know, shit happens. And to be quite frank: since the day I started pivoting my professional life, almost nothing has turned out the way I imagined. I'm still getting the hang of things.
Last week, for example, the website crashed. This put creation on hold. And then I found myself trapped in a logic: since I didn't write the week before, now I "needed" to make up for it by publishing three texts this week.
It turns out that, after finishing a dense post like the last one (you can read it here)I need something lighter. Because a deep text demands so much of me that when I finish I feel drained.
Curiously, even though I had a huge list of ideas written down since last year, nothing there excited me. Nothing seemed to fit with what I was feeling. That's when the voice of judgment struck: "Charlotte, this is work. And work can't depend on your will."
But what if... what if I wrote about this very thing — about this very moment I'm in? That's when I found the courage to write something genuine and not just to keep to the schedule, which I promised myself I'd always do and I'm doing it!
The Downs
This year has been a rollercoaster. Having a bilingual blog has already brought me joys, frustrations and learnings worth a whole year in just four months.
It's funny... no matter how prepared you think you are, life always finds a way to force you off the path that seemed right.
It's like swimming against the current of a river that knows the way better than you do. And here I am: learning to go with the flow. And honestly? I don't think Iam doing that badly.
I'm in that strange phase: the limbo between ceasing to be and starting to become. But becoming what? Excellent question.
The funniest thing is when someone asks me what I am or what I do. I smile and answer whatever suits my mood at the time: blogger? writer? artist? photographer? freelancer? influencer? deluded believer? housewife?
The truth is that I'm just as curious to find out where all this is going as I would be when opening an anonymous love letter. In fact, I've just finished reading a book that talks a lot about this: "The Surrender Experiment", by Michael Alan Singer.
One thing that's been bothering me lately is my health. It's nothing serious, but being used to an active routine and having to stop suddenly takes its toll. I've got a back injury from a wrong move at the gym, and I don't know how long I'll have to slow down.
This also has to do with my sleep hygiene. I'm very undisciplined when it comes to going to sleep — every night is a different time, hoping to miraculously wake up well the next day. I've improved a lot, but there's still room for improvement.
At the moment, I'm going through that downward curve of my cycle — a period of lower energy, more introspective, when everything seems to call for silence and kindness towards myself. And I'm not complaining: winter is coming and it's ideal for that.
The Ups
Despite all this, I love sitting down at the computer to write. Spending the day processing ideas and learning new things has been an immense joy. I never tire of repeating to those close to me: I'm already living my dream.
The flexibility of working from home is a delicious bonus. Having my own space and doing things in my own time, without having to answer to anyone, is liberating — especially after nine years working in an office environment.
Monday? It doesn't exist anymore! The only reason I know the day of the week is because of appointments with other people. Daniel came to remind me that next week we have a holiday in NZ, and my reaction was: "Holiday?" — I'm really going with the flow.
I never thought I'd enjoy it so much. It's been much more enjoyable than I imagined.
Another thing that has returned: my desire to go out and take pictures with the camera. My creative flow has returned after being dormant for a while. Part of this was changing my camera for a lighter one. Before, the weight of the Canon put me off.
Last year, I swapped my Canon for a Fujifilm mirrorless, which is super light. Now I can carry it in my bag, and I'm starting to get the hang of it. I've even nicknamed it Poppy Pixel!
My meditation has been good too. Apart from the pain in my back from sitting cross-legged, it helps me a lot! I want to deepen my practice in the coming months.
The Lesson
My biggest lesson this season is to let go of the reins, not resist circumstances and let myself be surprised by what life has in store for me. This is a lesson I want to take with me for the rest of my life and this season is perfect for that. What about you? What's the biggest lesson in your life at the moment?
From my heart to yours,
Cha