Welcome to day 13 of my experiment: Going through the Valley of Despair.
There is an abyss between what I understand, what I want to say, what I actually say — and what you want to hear, how you listen, and what you understand.
That’s why listening to someone in order to understand the message — and not merely to respond — is a deeply underestimated skill. More than that: it’s a superpower that very few people develop.
It is a superpower because it requires going against three very basic human impulses.
1. Ego defense
To truly listen, it’s necessary to shift the focus away from yourself and direct it toward what the other person is trying to protect, justify, or ask for — often without being fully aware of it.
2. The urge for control
Conversations are rarely about the literal content of what is being said. Most of the time, they revolve around status, belonging, fear, and control. Those who listen only to respond automatically enter this game.
3. The need for validation
When we listen to understand, we begin to notice subtle contradictions, emotionally charged words, exaggerations, detours, pauses, and silences. In other words, we make space to perceive what lies between the lines.
Being able to regulate these three impulses profoundly transforms the way a person relates to the world. Most people focus on communicating well, but the true secret of communication lies in mastering attentive listening to such an extent that speech becomes clear, precise, and effective as a consequence.
Today, this is the skill I admire most in someone. May life bring me more people with this skill, so I can learn to listen better too.
Till tomorrow,
